Fear and Loneliness in Surrey

Last night I had my first run-in with intense fear in my new environment. Went a little something like this:

My love has a wedding to go to this weekend, and well.. although I was invited to the wedding itself, I was not invited to the reception afterward. Which would leave me wandering alone on Vancouver Island for a few hours. Not to mention that I wouldn't even be sitting with him at the wedding, since he has the privilege of being an usher. And so I will not be going with him, instead remain alone at the apartment from Friday evening until Sunday evening.

Obviously I freaked. I didn't do the whole screeching 'it's not fair' crap. I merely fell into my sobs on the bed. Typical Melody, ask around, you'll see. My mind raced around the fact that I know absolutely nobody here, not to mention the fact that I do not know my way around the neighborhood... or even the street, with confidence.

To his credit he did his duty as a good boyfriend and tried to console me, trying to see if any of his friends would come over (no, since they do not know me and that would be odd) and giving me various options for things to do (such as explore, but I am dead scared of getting lost... and he is too far away to be of any serious help.. and I had my mother's voice in my head, 'what if something goes wrong? What if Melody falls into trouble, who will save her?')

Eventually he decided that today, after work, he would take me on the buses, so that I would become used to them, and also show me around at the same time. All I have to do is do the research first, check out the busing in the area around the house (there is a few) for when he gets back from work. I might also drag him for more groceries, so I don't starve during the weekend (I have a tendency to forget to eat when I am eating solo... and it is easier to forget when the fridge is running on empty).

All this reminded me of when I was really young, going on my first city bus ride alone, one of my first days of high school without a school bus to get me home. My mom gave me strict instructions to take 'this' bus, and I did. It was the wrong bus. It went the opposite direction. So instead of taking me home, it took me further away from it. I remember being so stiff with fear that I dare not get off, hoping the bus would eventually loop around and take me back. It never did. I ended up at the train station, in another town, being asked to get off. I started bawling my eyes out, and the bus driver was kind enough to call one of the bus officials with their fancy GPS systems (that was fancy back then, anyways... and HUGE) and the man took me to my door.

So... maybe subconsciously I am afraid of getting on a bus? I am afraid of being alone, and lost? Then again... who isn't? This is the price of my brave act of moving so far, having to tackle all of my fears head-on, because I haven't a choice in the matter.