October News

*throws the idea of a weekly blog to the winds*

*sighs*

Well, I am back to it! And what a month it has been!

I mysteriously caught mononucleosis, aka the kissing virus. And I know I didn't get this from Nathan. Mono is the kind of virus that can get you repeatedly, not just once and then you are immune like the chicken pox. And Nathan was as healthy as can be. So...? Who did it? I don't recall kissing or sharing a drink with anyone, and it's not like I know anyone here in BC, really... so... dun dun dunnn!!

I found out something mighty interesting when I went to the doctor's office too - Quebec's medical insurance card (Medicare Card) is not valid anywhere except Quebec (*NOTE* it took me about 2 months to get the BC Carecard, and by November 1st, I will finally be covered!). So... with my funds dwindling I had to pay to see a doctor, then pay to get tests done as well. Luckily there isn't really any medicine you can take for mono, although I took penicillin for the resulting sore throat/tonsillitis and breathed a sigh of relief when it cost very little (and tastes like bananas!). In the end, the mono lasted no time at all, and that was strange. I suppose my body saw how I was in such denial of being THAT sick that it agreed with me and killed off the virus in record time. That and I was tired of not being able to kiss my boyfriend darn it! *laughs*

I had two calls for job openings! Huzzah! The first was for La Senza, which if you do not know is a lingerie store owned by Victoria's Secret. Pretty posh. I was so nervous when I went for the interview, but I did (in my opinion) very well in it. They never called me back though. Tough cookies for them, they lost out. The second was for Chapters, an amazing bookstore! Right up my alley! Though I got sick right when I was supposed to go in for interviews. No matter, though, I decided to tough it out, and go in anyways, do my interview with a sore throat and all. And obviously, I did well, since I am now working for them!! It is only a seasonal job, the contract I signed with them expires in January, but I have a chance to (perhaps) continue to work for them afterwards, if sales are good, they continue to need the staff and like me enough to keep me on. Here's to hoping, but in the meantime, I GOT A JOB WOOT WOOT!!

I became a bit homesick during Thanksgiving, but I quickly got over it as I was kept mostly busy. I called up dad and got his recipe for stuffing, and made it for the dinner we had at Nathan's sister's house, slightly altered, as it wasn't in fact going to stuff anything (except my tummy mmmmm). Nathan put up a bit of a fight, as it wasn't his parent's recipe for stuffing, but as he did not have theirs on hand, and his parents were busy in Banff for a family wedding, we used my dad's recipe instead neener neener!

Now I get to fret about xmas... what to get everyone??? Some help, please?? And your postal addresses, since I have decided I am going to send out xmas cards this year. That would be awesome, thanks! Nathan and I are going to get a lil plastic tree, and an ornament, and maybe I will really get in the mood and decorate a bit around the apartment - I love xmas!

I am settling down now, finally getting comfortable in this world. I have a job, a good place to live, and an amazing boyfriend! I am truly a lucky girl!

Hopefully the next blog won't take so long to come to fruition!

Melody

Cuz You Had A Bad Day...

Alright, so I am tossing the idea of a daily blog to the winds. It takes too much time, and sometimes I am really not in the mood to write. So let's try for a weekly blog, okie dokie?

Yesterday! Oh yesterday...

Let's start from the beginning: last week, due to my hormones being unbalanced (maybe.. but I will blame it on that anyways, makes me feel somewhat better to have an excuse for it) I started to get really really sad. Like break out in tears for no reason sad. Nathan was flustered, he kept trying to soothe me, make me laugh, just change my mood for one a bit happier.

This week, it seems now I have a reason. I am homesick. Really homesick. I will admit to really wanting my mommy right now. I am thinking what I really need is a big hug from her, breathe in her mommy scent, and know that everything is a-ok. If I could somehow get (at the very least) a monthly dose of mommy, I would feel so much better. It's the little things. Nathan told me what they do here to celebrate Christmas, and I realized I won't be celebrating with my family. I received a truly amazing cookbook in the mail from my mom with one of her typically lovely notes written inside, which makes me cry everytime I attempt to read it. Or I simply imagine my family home, hanging out with my little brother, cuddling with my mom.. ughh. I cry a lot, to put it plainly.

And what should I do about this? I also miss having a group of friends to go out with, bowl with, argue movies with. I will admit I am making a few friends here, but distant, at best. I get these lonely periods everyday. I realize I don't really open my mouth until more than half the day is gone. Nathan is my anchor, the one who keeps me here. I love him more than I have ever loved someone, and I love him more and more everyday. He tries so hard to make me smile. And more often than not, it works. But it doesn't make up for the half a day everyday that I am alone with my thoughts. And I think too hard. It's a gift of mine. I look too far into things, question everything, think up scenarios in my head. Just think of me as Winnie the Pooh on his thinking log, hard at work, thinking thoughts. It is why I am so creative. I think too hard!

So yesterday, I received that amazing cookbook from my mom. Right after I have finished reading what she had inscribed in the cover she gives me a call. So naturally I swallow my tears, pinch myself, bite my lip, anything to slow the tears as I talk to her. Strangely she had just received my card in the mail. So we talk. I think she knew, I was sad. She is a mother, after all. It's instinct. But I kept my cool, and patted my back for doing so. Then I started madly knitting my scarf (yes, I am back to knitting, and it's doing me some good) to try to take my mind off of everything. Just fall into the rythm. Knit two, purl two. Knit two, purl two...

Nathan arrived to find me with red eyes and a nearly finished scarf (and yes, you will all get to see the finished product, and ask for your own, if you want one.) and decided we were going out to the movies, and then dinner.

The theater was nearly empty, but we were happy to find that they had a special deal on Tuesdays - you get a regular drink and popcorn along with your seat ticket, for the price of admission. Awesome! So I go to use my card... and... not approved. Huh? I tried again... still not approved. What?!? I started to panic, obviously. Nathan tried to calm me, and bought everything that night, promising to remind me to check my banking when we got home. Really what I needed on my mind. More stress. Let's see how much straw Melody's back can take before it breaks..

The movie was excellent, and really helped me escape from reality for a few hours. It was Inglorious Basterds. Although really violent, the story was really well written, the characters enjoyable, and the action fun to watch, if not overly destructive.

We ate at a really nice lounge. I felt spoiled... though we talked some more about my feelings. In the end, I told him I just need some more time to settle into life here. I still feel out of my element, restless. I need some sort of stability here. I think perhaps with a job, I will achieve that. It will keep me busy, get me out, keep me talking, and maybe I will make friends too.. One could hope.

After talking to three representatives on the phone in regards to my card, it turns out that sometime within the last two weeks someone cloned my card and got all my info and went on a short shopping spree, spending 500 dollars before the bank decided that the actions being taken were erratic and froze the card and my money. I now have to get my butt over to a bank today to set up a new card with a new password, and wait a few days before the money is returned to me. Joy.

Let us hope that today shall be a better day. My thanks to Nathan, though, for making yesterday way better than it could have been!

Miss you all, and now you have a better idea of how much I do...
Melody

Playing Catch-Up

Okay, okay! So it's harder to maintain a daily blog than I thought. But here I am! I am still alive! And better yet, still writing.

Alright, so since last I wrote in this, my adventure was what passed as Greek food. The next day, my big adventures for the day was discovering the park near our house and making a dish following a recipe! Not that I haven't ever followed a recipe before, mind you, but it was a slow, lazy day.

The park is HUGE and very beautiful. It has a play park and water park for the kids, a public pool, a sports area where a kids football game was going on at the time (with a horribly slow and monotone announcer that would put me to sleep if I was watching the game) a mini-put area, train ride for kids and a gorgeous garden. My love and I explored the garden thoroughly, and my appreciation for the city really sky-rocketed right then. This place beats the parks we have in Montreal by a landslide! It's the little things like this that make me melt for him and this province..

The meal we ended up making was 'Jambon et pommes de terre au gratin', aka 'Ham and Potatoes au gratin' My love and I prepared it together, and he swore it would taste excellent because it was made with LOVE! With this knowledge we placed it in the oven and waited for the magic. Meanwhile, we vegetated on the couch and watched old movies and re-runs... I told you it was a slow, lazy day!

Well the meal came out great, though it stuck to the casserole dish a bit more than I liked (would PAM solve that? Someone with more experience please get back to me on that) and here is the recipe, if you want to live through my adventure for yourself:

4 cups peeled and thinly sliced potatoes
3 cups cooked and cubed ham (omit this for the vegetarian version of adventure)
2 tbsp butter or margarine
1/2 cup of chopped onions
2 tbsp. flour
1 cup milk
1 cup grated cheddar cheese
1/2 tsp sage
1 tsp salt
pinch of pepper

In a large casserole dish, combine potatoes and ham. In saucepan, melt butter, then add the onions and cook, stirring for about 2 min. Then stir in flour. Next, add the milk, sage, salt and pepper. Continue cooking and stirring for about 4 min. or until sauce comes to a boil and thickens. Stir in the cheese, then when well mixed pour this yummy mixture all over the potatoes and ham, stirring it in. Cover and bake in 375 degree oven for 1 and a half hours. It 'should' make 4 servings..

bon appetit!

On Sunday we went to the PNE, the Pacific National Exhibition... for you Montrealers reading, think cultural fair and La Ronde combined. They had musical acts (though that day it was a country star, and I am honestly not interested in that genre too much, though my Love is such a cowboy!) exhibits such as a sandcastle competition (which I thought was really wicked cool, I love seeing people's creativity shine!), logging competitions (in which they all cheated so much, was fun to watch) 'super dogs', petting zoos and motocross to name a few.

I also met Filiz that day, a friend of my Love. She was very sweet and it was nice to get the kiss on two cheeks, it reminded me a bit of back home. She was a riot on the rides, always screaming and clutching at the safety bars for dear life. We even did an old fashioned photo together!

The rides themselves were okay, but I felt a little bit taken. The price was pretty high, and they only had two roller-coasters, and only the wooden one was really worth it. They did have a lot of fun little thrill rides, but roller-coasters are my favorite! Ack I miss the Goliath back in Montreal, that was so much fun!

We got home and my Love realized how exhausted he was, so I made dinner. It turned out great... except I hate peppers, and it was mostly peppers... *grumbles*

Warm Feta Salad.. how I wish you had no peppers in thee!! Here's how to make it:

Block of feta, cut into 4
1/3 cup olive oil
2 tbsp dried rosemary or 5 tbsp of the fresh stuff (I used dried)
6 cloves of garlic, chopped
1 can of chopped tomatoes
1 red pepper, diced
1 yellow pepper, diced
1/2 large red onion, diced
1 package of fresh basil or cilantro, chopped (I cheated and used some dried..)
pinch of red pepper flakes
1 lettuce mix

Mix together the rosemary, oil and garlic and pour over the feta and let marinade for at least an hour, or overnight. Heat onion in saucepan for 5 minutes until lightly browned, then add the rest of the ingredients (except the lettuce) and let simmer for half an hour. Arrange lettuce on the plates, then place the feta on the top and coat with the sauce. Makes 4 servings.

For all those who enjoy peppers, bon appetit!

Yesterday (Tuesday) was a lot of fun! I spent the morning with June, my Love's mom! We went to a place called De Dutch for breakfast, and got to know each other better. June is an amazing person and gives really excellent hugs! I told her about my biggest dilemma in the house - no toaster! She seems to like me (which works well, since I like her too) and also enjoys reading this blog! She told me I should go into writing.. I would, but writing is by no means a lucrative career, so I will continue writing for the joy of it and for the joy of your responces.

We had my Love's brother and sister-in-law over for dinner, and so I planned a feast! Soup and salad to start with pasta as the main course. It went over very well, they seemed to like it and left fairly full. His brother amused me by bringing a huge loaf of bread, when we had asked them to bring a nice bread to compliment the dinner. His mother, June made me nearly fall over laughing when she had him bring a toaster over as a gift for me! So thoughtful! I feel so loved!
The pasta sauce I made was from a website online claiming it was the best sauce, though after my Love tasted it he felt it was missing something so started tossing in spices left and right, so I won't copy it here simply because I haven't clue what went in. The soup, though, was something I had picked out of my Food Network Cookbook I brought with me! It was really yummy. Sorry, no vegetarian alternative to this one.. at least not in my head.

Chicken, Spinach and Gnocchi Soup

Kosher salt
2 cups prepared gnocchi
4 cups chicken broth, low sodium, canned
4 cloves of garlic, thinly sliced
2 tbsp unsalted butter
pinch of sugar
3 cups cleaned baby spinach leaves
2 cups shredded cooked chicken (I used the leftovers of a rotisserie chicken I had bought)
Freshly ground black pepper
Parmesan cheese

Bring a medium saucepan of cold water to boil over high heat, then salt it generously. Add the gnocchi and cook, stirring occasionally, until they rise to the top. Drain and set aside.
Meanwhile, put 1/4 cup of the broth, garlic, butter and sugar in a large saucepan over medium-low heat, bring it to a simmer, and cook, uncovered, until the garlic is tender, about 1 minute. Add the spinach and let it wilt for about 30 seconds. Add the remaining broth and chicken and bring it to a simmer.. Stir in gnocchi and bring to full boil. Taste and season with with and generous amounts of pepper to taste. Ladle into bowls and shower with cheese.

Bon appetit!

My Love's brother and sister-in-law are going to have us over on Friday! I wonder what they will serve up? Until then, I am a bit tired of all the typing, so... toodles!

Melody

Hailey and the Greek Schnitzel

So yesterday I spent the day chatting up my online friends and madly sending out my resume to a grocery list of places (though, no grocery stores... I am more than tired of those). It's easy to do - if you like a particular boutique or store, you look up their web pages and seek out the button at the bottom that reads 'Careers' and voila! Fill out their forms and hope for the best! And that is essentially what I have been doing.. hoping for the best. With my luck I will have a dozen places randomly calling me up on my cell phone offering me a job in a few months.. and if that's the case.. SHOW ME THE MONEY BABY!!

Yesterday is also the day I met Hailey, one of my Love's old flames and current friends (he seems to have a lot of those!) We went out to dinner the three of us once he was finished work for the day. She seemed nice enough, though I found I knew why their relationship ended.. it was my woman's intuition popping up again (it does that a lot).

We went to a supposedly Greek restaurant and I immediately longed for Montreal when I read the menu... there was about a dozen items listed that were actually Greek meals... and the rest were far from it. There was schnitzel on the list! And lots of Italian dishes!

I opted for what I considered a safe bet - chicken souvlaki on rice, and that was fine, although Hailey ordered the same thing and ended up with a mouthful of splinters from the skewer. They also looked as if they were frozen skewers that were all pre-made before the restaurant got to it. Fantastic. My love ordered the stuffed vine leaves and he said those were good, though I didn't try them, since they didn't look like they could hold a candle up to my grandmother's recipe.

I tried to stay in the conversations they were both having, but it wasn't easy.. he was sweet enough to be constantly explaining things to me, and I ended up being mostly silent, adding an amusing anecdote here and there to show that I was at least following along. And no.. after the fiasco of the dinner menu, I did not wish to try their baklava.. then I'd really miss Montreal.

Food here isn't all that bad, if you look well enough, and are lucky, though the Mediterranean restaurants so far haven't really floored me..

I finished the book, 'The Sculptress' and it was decent. The entire book had you trying to piece together who had committed the murders, and when it was finally solved, you were still left wondering if it was all true. Very interesting! I will start on the other books in the apartment I haven't read yet that seem interesting, then go and explore the city's library. The weather is fair here and it's very comfortable to go outside and read in the sun... it's never harsh enough to burn your skin, never humid enough to sweat, and never too cool... though I have taken to wearing sweaters anyways.

Missing my Montreal eating! Waiting impatiently for my bulghur wheat to arrive to start cooking up some comfort dishes!

Melody

New Friends and District 9

Second day that my Love is gone, and it started with a phone call.

I, Melody, am in a province of strangers. Though I do not seek out the candy-giving type, I do realize that I must turn to strangers for friendship.

Through a Montreal-friend of mine, I found a forum filled with like-minded individuals. I introduced myself to them all, explained my situation and they were intrigued, to say the least. Since then, I have been in steady correspondence with them, as I go about getting acclimated to my new environments.

One such forum-user, going by the name of Kaji, called me up yesterday, wondering what I was doing that evening. Nothing, it was planned, as my Love was busy on Vancouver Island, spending the morning with family, in particular his sister and his newest niece, not even a month old. He suggested then, that I make my way to Metrotown and see a movie with him a few more friends. Of course, I said, I would love to... how do I get there?!?

Turns out I had to make use of the Skytrain! It was very easy going, and my fears were soon put to rest. The bus close to home took me straight to the Skytrain terminus, and I simply had to ride it to... Metrotown! I could do that!

The Skytrain is like bizarro-Metro. It works on the honor-system. Pay if you are so inclined to... apparently there are random checks, but I was not put to any when I was there, though, I was honest, and had a ticket, just in case! (I swear officer, I didn't know I had to pay!!) There are no turnstiles, just machines strung about, in case you wanted to pay. As the Metro is several levels below ground, the Skytrain is several levels above it. It was nice to peer out the windows and get a clearer view of this strange land, and not have to watch the cement as I was used to in Montreal. It was also a nice, quiet ride, not like the Metros, who were noisy, and made it hard to even think straight. I am sure if I had someone to speak with, I wouldn't have to raise my voice to be heard... and so soft a ride it was, with once more, a sweet female voice telling me which stop we were arriving at.

I quickly met my friends at the station, and recognized them from photos posted in the forum. They were thrilled to meet me, and we quickly fell into the comforts of friendship, chatting about each others hometowns and activities.

Metrotown, or what I have seen of it, is full of commerce. The Skytrain took me to the mall, which, according to my newest friends, is the largest in B.C., if not, it was close second. Just like Fairview, it was brimming with high-end boutiques, but also had a wickedly concentrated little arcade, where my new friends and I hung out drinking bubble teas (mine was strawberry) while we waited for time to go by.

We actually waited too long, and when we went into the theater, it was packed. If it wasn't for the cunning of Lunar, one of my new friends, scoping out seats for him and I, I would have been craning my neck and straining through the subtitles. Instead we sat way back, in the corner, but, we sat together, and enjoyed a very fine movie, and shared some gummy bears and wine gums. The others were scattered about, out of sheer necessity.

District 9 was a fabulous movie, all I will say is that it well worth the price of admission, but it is not an alien movie. If you are looking for aliens trying to take over the planet, think again. This is a human movie, full of human issues.

I returned home, all by myself, getting quickly used to the public transportation. I never had to wait for my rides, they always arrived the moment I stepped foot at the stop. My eyes were open, and I knew exactly where I was. All the while, my Love was stuck waiting for a ferry back, sitting around from 3pm... until he finally got home, which was close to midnight.

He was glad one of us had a good day. *grins*

On my Own Again!

Alrighty! While my love is off enjoying his cousin's wedding, I am in the apartment... using my time effectively? Okay, mostly effectively.

Buses, here in Surrey, are different than the ones back in Montreal. The outsides of them look very similar, but their interiors are another story.

The fare to get on one of these bad boys is cheaper than in Montreal, though I doubt these guys go as far as the others do. Also, they don't have the very awesome OPUS cards, which means I need to either have the exact change on me, or be lucky enough to by tickets at the vendors around town.

My love and I went cruising around on them the other day, just to get me comfortable with them. They have these awesome signaling signs, which update at every stop/intersection we get to, with a lovely lady voice announcing our current location. That is really clever, because it leaves me knowing where we are without either having to bug the driver or crane my neck and squint my eyes to spot street signs (that will be really handy in the dark and the wintertime!)

I have yet to get on the Skytrain, or even those buses that run on those fancy wires and I am very curious about them.. though, one step at a time. First I want to get used to the simple stuff, not get too far away from home base, and then eventually expand my horizons. Dipping my proverbial toe into the water before jumping in and possibly freezing in the water (or getting eaten alive by leeches)

I got kinda excited today, shopping around for jobs. I walked all the way over to Central City Mall, keeping my eyes open on my surroundings. I gave out a few applications at some of the boutiques and store within, and will of course keep you updated as to whether I land a job or not!

The mall is quite different from Fairview Mall in Montreal, though has a lot of the same flavours. It is an odd blend of higher end boutiques in a sea of lower end ones, whereas Fairview is now saturated with high end clothing boutiques as the lower ends get left in the dust.

It all makes sense though, when you look at the population here. You have many very lovely suburban homes, such as the one I am living in with my love (we occupy the basement), though you also have many mobile homes, older-looking condos and cheap-looking motels. I chuckle somewhat at the barbed wire I see lining some fences, and the security cameras.. though they also make me a bit uneasy. Do we really need that level of security in this neighborhood?

Got home weary of all the walking, though the weather was quite fair, 20c with sunshine! Made myself a chili, though it was made throwing the recipe to the winds, and am currently settling into a decent book, "The Sculptress" by Minette Walters, apparently some sort of murder mystery.. it has whet my appetite, I will tell you all whether it is worth a read once I am done with it!

Other than that... I will probably call up my love later on tonight, to simply tell him to have a good night, and promptly fall asleep..

A demain!
Melody

Fear and Loneliness in Surrey

Last night I had my first run-in with intense fear in my new environment. Went a little something like this:

My love has a wedding to go to this weekend, and well.. although I was invited to the wedding itself, I was not invited to the reception afterward. Which would leave me wandering alone on Vancouver Island for a few hours. Not to mention that I wouldn't even be sitting with him at the wedding, since he has the privilege of being an usher. And so I will not be going with him, instead remain alone at the apartment from Friday evening until Sunday evening.

Obviously I freaked. I didn't do the whole screeching 'it's not fair' crap. I merely fell into my sobs on the bed. Typical Melody, ask around, you'll see. My mind raced around the fact that I know absolutely nobody here, not to mention the fact that I do not know my way around the neighborhood... or even the street, with confidence.

To his credit he did his duty as a good boyfriend and tried to console me, trying to see if any of his friends would come over (no, since they do not know me and that would be odd) and giving me various options for things to do (such as explore, but I am dead scared of getting lost... and he is too far away to be of any serious help.. and I had my mother's voice in my head, 'what if something goes wrong? What if Melody falls into trouble, who will save her?')

Eventually he decided that today, after work, he would take me on the buses, so that I would become used to them, and also show me around at the same time. All I have to do is do the research first, check out the busing in the area around the house (there is a few) for when he gets back from work. I might also drag him for more groceries, so I don't starve during the weekend (I have a tendency to forget to eat when I am eating solo... and it is easier to forget when the fridge is running on empty).

All this reminded me of when I was really young, going on my first city bus ride alone, one of my first days of high school without a school bus to get me home. My mom gave me strict instructions to take 'this' bus, and I did. It was the wrong bus. It went the opposite direction. So instead of taking me home, it took me further away from it. I remember being so stiff with fear that I dare not get off, hoping the bus would eventually loop around and take me back. It never did. I ended up at the train station, in another town, being asked to get off. I started bawling my eyes out, and the bus driver was kind enough to call one of the bus officials with their fancy GPS systems (that was fancy back then, anyways... and HUGE) and the man took me to my door.

So... maybe subconsciously I am afraid of getting on a bus? I am afraid of being alone, and lost? Then again... who isn't? This is the price of my brave act of moving so far, having to tackle all of my fears head-on, because I haven't a choice in the matter.

Hiya!

So.. if you do not know me.. that's fine. I am not anyone famous, or particularly special in any way.. I am simply Melody.

I am currently living in beautiful Surrey, British Columbia. I moved here just a few days ago, after living my entire 23 and a half years of life in Montreal, Quebec. I left my loving family and friends behind to do this. Why, you ask? Why such a move!? Why seclude yourself, albeit in a gorgeous province, alone and nearly lost? Simple. I did it for love!

Truth is I fell in love with a guy online. Crazy, I know. I have been given that title a lot lately. I have known him for a good year now, we were friends, met in a virtual world, under odd circumstances.

In May I went to visit him, here, in Surrey, and stayed for a week. The week went by too fast. Talk about intense. We were both crazy for each other. Then he came to see me in Montreal last month. He met my family, and by then most of our family members knew our devotion to each other. It was then I made my decision to move. I got rid of a good 95% of my possessions, said au revoir to Montreal and all I know and landed here.

So, how many people could say they would go through all this trouble for love? I mean honestly, drop it all, all of it, the cushy job, the amazing friends, the loving family, and end up in a place where you know no one, can't find your way around your own house, and are jobless?

This is the start of my life's adventure. Haven't you ever craved more from your life? Sat your butt down and wondered, dreamed, regretted? I had been doing that for too long. Now I feel more alive than ever before. I am going after my heart's desires!

If you are looking to follow me on my adventure, well then, stick around!

Although, to be honest.. not everyday is a roller-coaster ride of excitement.. Today is mostly spent wondering where I will fit all of my stuff, how the heck we can accumulate so much dirty dishes in two days, where this supposed "heat wave" is at, where to apply first for a job, and what's for dinner!

Toodles for now, this house-kitty is off to try to finish these dishes, if it kills her!